inspired by fiction

so, i just finished this book.it's about a girl, and she struggles with the same thing that always keeps me in my safety box when it comes to art. there is a painting in the book, called "lulu meets god and doubts him". its huge, and it is of this girl holding a canvas and a dripping paintbrush, and its HUGE. like, 9'x12' and basically, its about the process of doing art. when creating something, there is this feeling that you get, when you are painting or drawing, or sculpting, or whatever, where your mind just goes to that other place, and some outside force just kinda, takes over... well, the author of the book kinda discribes this as "meeting god"... but, this girl's problem, which is also mine, is that, at some point during the creative process, i look at what i am doing, and think, "ugh, this is total crap'. doubt steps in. and that magic moment of 'meeting god' is shattered.

so, while i was reading this, i totally connected to this fictional piece of artwork, and the very real feelings it represented...a few months ago, i attempted to do a self portrait, but it turned out absolutely horrible, and i kinda gave up on drawing myself, or any people for that matter. but sitting here, reading this book, i thought. okay. lets try this again.... so, i cleared off my table in front of the mirror, and sat on a stool, turned on long division and davids music... and sat for thirty ish minutes....

and this is what i got.

soory for this lengthy post, i try to avoid them...but, i feel like part of me being more comfortable with my own artistic abilities is having the courage and confidence to admit that i am not perfect, but i am passionate about what im doing, and that is what really matters.