inspired by fiction

so, i just finished this book.it's about a girl, and she struggles with the same thing that always keeps me in my safety box when it comes to art. there is a painting in the book, called "lulu meets god and doubts him". its huge, and it is of this girl holding a canvas and a dripping paintbrush, and its HUGE. like, 9'x12' and basically, its about the process of doing art. when creating something, there is this feeling that you get, when you are painting or drawing, or sculpting, or whatever, where your mind just goes to that other place, and some outside force just kinda, takes over... well, the author of the book kinda discribes this as "meeting god"... but, this girl's problem, which is also mine, is that, at some point during the creative process, i look at what i am doing, and think, "ugh, this is total crap'. doubt steps in. and that magic moment of 'meeting god' is shattered.

so, while i was reading this, i totally connected to this fictional piece of artwork, and the very real feelings it represented...a few months ago, i attempted to do a self portrait, but it turned out absolutely horrible, and i kinda gave up on drawing myself, or any people for that matter. but sitting here, reading this book, i thought. okay. lets try this again.... so, i cleared off my table in front of the mirror, and sat on a stool, turned on long division and davids music... and sat for thirty ish minutes....

and this is what i got.

soory for this lengthy post, i try to avoid them...but, i feel like part of me being more comfortable with my own artistic abilities is having the courage and confidence to admit that i am not perfect, but i am passionate about what im doing, and that is what really matters.

the sun's gonna rise in a mile.

wow, even though i am cuddled up in my sweatshirt and leggings, and drinking hot tea, im still cold! and the greatest part...im outside! its crazy that its the end of july and im shivering. haha, im definitely not in richmond anymore! the tea im drinking right now says "cup of joy" on the tag, and that my friends is exactly how i feel today, joyful. haha, ill be home in a week, so people better be making plans for next weekend. oh yeah, my pool is open! sooooooo.... pool party at my house soon?? yess... i think so!

silverstein's summer.

by me.

lessons learned.

this is my one hundredth post, so i thought id do a wish/dream list and summary. in other words, a crazy rambling of my thoughts.

i have learned so so much about myself over the past few months. two thousand and ten has been a wonderful year for me. i am discovering how to be confident, adventurous, spontanious, positive, optimistic, and how to have a healthy image of myself.

i have learned how to be a good friend. ive learned how to have grace, and how wonderful it is to recieve it. i have also learned that trust cannot be put in everyone, and that it is important that others trust me, and i need to value trust much more.

i have learned that the way i look at my body, and myself as a human being, is much more affected by me than outside forces. i can see/hear things, but it is my choice to let them get to me.

i have learned that life cannot be planned. and it's better that way.

i have learned that i need to be patient. and im working on it.

i have learned that it is so much easier to get along with my sister instead of fighting with her about useless things. because i love her, and i want to be able to help her grow up, and hopefully, learn from my mistakes and avoid making the same ones. i really do love her.

i have learned many other things, and i know i will learn many more.

but for now, happy thursday! and goodnight!

i am not tired at all.

even though it is definitely 1:24 in the morning right now. my headache has been gone for a little while now, and ive been sidetracked looking at awesome things on the internet...oh, blog world, how you keep me from sleeping... haha. but i love it. and im also loving these:

okay..time update---> 2:05

and...now that you have a rather good representation of what ive been distracting myself by tonight {tumblr blogs.weheartit.yay!everyday} i think i am going to have to say goodnight. i just may be tired now... mayyybe ;) night!

ugh, headaches.

i had a wonderful day, but right now... my head is aching terribly, and i just want to lay around in bed for, well.... twelve hours.

so, im reading this book right now, and im almost done. its not the happiest of selections, but i find it extremely intriguing. do i recommend it? yeah, but only if you can take it. it gets pretty rough in parts. not necessarily violence. but moreso, the state of mind taken by the characters. they basically leave their life to the trash. and its hard to read about.

lessons in independence and self-worth

“what you SHOULD most likely do is just live. live your life by furthering YOU. whether that’s in arts, or projects, or whatever - build yourself, keep running toward a personal goal and don’t be distracted by the guys on the sidelines. what i’m saying is don’t LOOK for a guy - that’ll just keep you from concentrating on what you need to be concentrating on… instead..you’ll see him running toward a common goal right next to you when you know it’s him”

i am tess. im a dreamer. i can be who i want. i can do anything my heart desires. i can live a meaningful life. i can have fun. i am worth something. i can be happy. i can dance. i can smile. i can laugh! :) happy tuesday all, and do something for yourselves! dance to the music, eat a huge bowl of ice cream, dress up and hit the town! we have one life girls, so live it!

july eighteenth.

a more visual representation. ;)

when you wish...

i'm in a very princessy mood today.may have to pull out a disney princess movie tonight... sweet dreams and happy wishes!

and there is comfort in the sound.

some more journal pages! haha, many of these were actually done in the back of my 6th period history class. i think mr. moore just kinda accepted me as the artsy girl, and blinded his eyes to my extreme version of "doodling". i really was paying attention though. i promise ; )

Forty-five degrees.

it is a chilly willy day here, but it is going so much better than my yesterday. i checked out five lovely books from the library, and just enjoyed some killer hot chocolate. :) now that ive updated all my bloggies, im gonna make some tea, curl up under my blanket, and get started on my first book!

{happy tuesday lovelies}

untitled one.

i woke up this morning super happy. but.... now, that happieness is gone, and im feeling really lonely. or, maybe not lonely, just left out. the world keeps spinning without tess in it. and i feel like im missing out. i also miss my normal. and i miss annemarie. and i miss hanging out with my friends, and staying up late...

nineteen days. yes im counting. {ugh a bug just got stuck under my right arrow key, and i totally just killed it and it wont come out.} and my life will continue as normal, and i will happily enjoy the rest of my summer.

solitary jitters.

so, im in montana with the family for the rest of the month, and although im glad to be away, and glad to be here, im finding it hard to be a social butterfly. instead, i keep dazing off into my own world, having my own little conversation, or pondering things in my head. none of these things are bad necessarily, and ive been very inspired. i really just want to get creative, but all i have with me is my watercolors. i want to paint. i want to sew. i want to make something big! so... we shall have to get on that.

i also want to go to the library. montana is my reading time for the year, and i already have my list written up. maybe i can go there tomorrow! :)

on another note, the coffee cups here are much too small. i may have to buy myself a big one.

use your imagination for once.