fail me week.

i am such a let down this week. im making everyone so frustrated, and then i try to fix things by just taking myself out of the equation completely... and all it does is make things worse.... why...?

let the secret out, set it free.

The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.
Chuck Palahniuk

keep calm and carry on.

sunday night. crazy week ahead of me. crazy weekend behind me. and i {unbelievably} have a smile on my face. how can i be so optimistic? how can i be so joyful? mindblowing. and i dont have any answers. but... im happy. im excited for life. im here. im carrying on.

well. i found out why my tummy hurt.

i got into a car accident this afternoon on my way home from school. a fellow classmate ran into the back of me. so. now i am without a car until who knows when.

also, i got my letter today regarding the summer governors school art program. they "regret to inform" me that i was " not selected to participate".

happy friday everyone.

my tummy has this feeling inside.

tonight i feel uneasy. about something. but i dont know what. and i wish i knew. because i want this wierd churning to go away...

tea is the only thing that keeps me holding on.

first day back home, first day back to school, lost pens&pencils, dropped phone, forgotten crafts bag, dropped keys, lost schedule, missed practice, no motivation, undone homework.... this is a crazy tuesday. i am totally not here right now. my mind is on central avenue, sitting in starbucks drinking an iced coffee fixed the lindsay way. tea has been the only thing keeping me from falling, my calming comfort. speaking of tea... i need to make a fresh cup.

im excited for tomorrow though. i have a love affair with wednesday nights. they make my adrenaline rush, and my smile shine, and my soul jump for joy.

i miss my friends...

lovely loves. tess

i havent wished in a while...

....well, not on here anyway. i wish all the time in my head. but, there is something so pleasant about wishing here. so. here it is.

i wish for patience.

i need it badly.

patience in everything, and as soon as possible.

a new hippie.

{i rambled...im sorry.}

my father calls me a new hippie... whatever that means. but, i just consider myself tess. i like simplicity and plaid. i like all things creative. not because its the popular thing to be or to take interest in. no. i like it because i do. and that is me. i like drawing with crayons on the kids menus in restraunts. i like taking showers and feeling clean. i like falling asleep to the sound of rainstorms. i like windblown hair. i like coffee and tea and sugar. i like baking. i like blogging. i like adventures and road trips, and they are always funner with destinations unknown. i like meeting new people. i like being open. i like spontineity. i like honesty and truth and being true to yourself. i like freedom. i like birds. i like water. i like dreams. i like things i cant fully comprehend. i like letters and numbers, i think they are pretty. i like looking at ice because it reflects the colors surrounding it. i like writing about things and drawing pictures of things i see. i like ice cream and spoons and bowls. i like cupcakes. i like peace and joy and love. i like people. i like being connected. i like playing games. i like cuddling. i like hugs. i like the smell of murphy's oil soap on my hands after art class. i like imperfections. i like colors, but i also like white and black and all the shades of grey in between. i like big windows, and sitting in them. i like nighttime, and staying up late doing random nothings and drinking tea. i like leggings and long shirts. i like shorts. i like cookies. i like cultures. i like long hair. i like being short, and being with short people. i like having passions and convictions and opinions. i like lists. i like pondering. i like wish bottles, falling stars and eyelashes. i like times or places that have significance. i like things shared between just me and one other person. they feel so secret, and i like that feeling that only us too will ever understand why something is so funny or cool or heartbreaking. i like comfy couches. i like the sun. i like snow. i like cloudwatching. i like stargazing and sunset picnics. i like waking up to the warmth of sunshine in the early morning. i like sleeping in. i like good books that remind me of my reality...as long as they have happy endings. i like infinity. i like black tattoos. i like going barefoot. i like giving gifts, and writing letters. i like planning parties and attending ones too. i like cutoff shorts and my favorite plaid shorts. i like headbands. i like being me. im going to stop now...

a first attempt of the songwriting sort.

so, ive never been the songwriting type, but i have made a first attempt.... :)

Midnight Minute.
I am with you and you are with me.
In the middle of the darkness.
Making moon shadows in the midnight.
I don’t want to leave, time cant make me.
Come here, just lay with me now.
Stay with me now. Hold me now.
We will break time together.

Watch the second hand disappear,
lets break time together.
Lets break time together now.

Forget about tomorrow,
We can lay here forever now.
Forget about the schedule,
Hide me in your arms now.
We’ll hide together right here,
where the hands of time cant reach us.

I don’t want to leave, time cant make me.
Time cant make me.
I don’t want to leave, time cant make me.
Time cant make me.
I don’t want to leave,
I don’t want to leave you.
Not now, not ever.

Lets break away from time together.
Lets break away,
lets break away right now.


We’ll run into the twilight,
we’ll race under the stars,
we’ll hide between the tall grass,
and the hands of time wont follow us far.

I don’t want to leave, time cant make me.
Time cant make me.
I don’t want to leave, time cant make me.
Time cant make me.
I don’t want to leave,
I don’t want to leave you.
Not now, not ever.

never too soon.

I cant wait to grow up. Im so close now.

All I dream about is a cute downtown apartment {with awesome amazing roommates}.

I can see myself now, sitting on a little comfy couch with my tea and leggings.

Working on my laptop, with the sun shining through a big, open window.

I see myself again, hanging out in the kitchen with a group of awesome amazing friends, eating yummy good food.

And another time, I see me and a bigger group of friends, crammed onto our front porch, laughing and telling stories, and having way too much fun.

Im so close now, to being able to take responsibility for myself.

it’s a scary thought.

But the pros outweigh the cons by tons.

So, I am ready for it.

I know it.

I feel it.

Im anxiously waiting for it.

and it felt so right...

forever sunshine.

"Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering."
-A History of Love, Nicole Krauss

cuddling. the best medicine.

i want to lay in bed all day, until everything is all better, and then, just keep on laying there.

things just happen sometimes...

...and when they do, when those moments that feel like dreams actually happen in reality, the stars make a very good audience.

look!

pictures from mine and haley's little photo night weeks ago! what do you think?

a picture poem.

source: weheartit

bold the truth.

{so, i found this on someone else's blog, and decided to do it too before reading it all the way through... but then i did read it all the way through, and when i got to some of them, i laughed.}

You are female.
You are in high school.
You dropped out of high school.
You graduated within the last 5 years.
You live on your own..
You live within 20 minutes of your best friend.
You live within 20 minutes of the last person you kissed.
You live within 20 minutes of your ex.
You have hugged someone in the last 48 hours.
You have been to the movies within the last week.
You have had 3 or more boyfriends/girlfriends just this year.
You have been a designated driver.
You have broken merchandise and not paid for it.
You have played strip poker.
You are Catholic.
You are atheist.
You recycle regularly.
You are a brunette.
You have dated a blonde.
You are friends with a redhead.
You are taller than your mom.
You have a checking account.
You’ve written a check for less than $5.
You have visited the Statue of Liberty.
You have visited the Eiffel Tower.
You have visited Big Ben.
You have visited the Colosseum.
You have visited The Great Wall of China.
You have never been out of the country.
You have been a waiter/waitress.
You own a Bible.
You own something with a Pentagram on it.
You have used a Ouija Board.
You have been a witch for Halloween.

You have been a zombie for Halloween.
You have been a Disney character for Halloween.
You don’t celebrate Halloween.
You have your belly button pierced.
You have your tongue pierced.
You have your eyebrow pierced.
You have a Monroe piercing.
You have your nose pierced.
You have an ankle tattoo.
You have a wrist tattoo.
You have a back tattoo.
You have no tattoos.
You have more than 5 tattoos.
You straighten your hair.
You have worn a dress in the last 3 days.
You live somewhere that gets snow.
You celebrate Hanukkah.
You were at your own house last New Year’s.
You were at a bar last New Year’s.
You slept through last New Year’s.
You have worked on Christmas Eve.
You have worked on Christmas.
You have been told ‘I love you’ by someone today.
You were told by someone who’s not family.
You slept in your own bed last night.
You are dating the last person you kissed.
You regret kissing the last person you kissed.
You enjoyed your last kiss.
You are wearing a necklace right now.
You are wearing something red.
You are wearing something blue.
You are wearing something purple.
Your phone number ends with an even number.
You have kissed the last person you called/texted.
You are currently listening to music.
You are waiting for something.
You don’t like seafood.
You have eaten deer sausage.
You have given a complete stranger your phone number.
You have been hit on at work.
You have been hit on by someone more than 20 years older than you.
You have been whistled at.
You were creeped out by it.
You are a good speller.
You are very punctual.
You were dating someone in December of 2008.
You are still dating that person.
You have cheated on someone.
You have been cheated on.
You have been on a cruise ship.
You have camped out in your own backyard.
You are wearing something that doesn’t belong to you.
You are a Pisces.
You are a Leo.
You are a Capricorn.
You have Irish heritage.
You have Polish heritage.
You have Japanese heritage.
You have Israeli heritage.
You have German heritage.
You have Portuguese heritage.
You have French heritage.
You have Norweigan heritage.
You have Korean heritage.
You were born in May.
You were born in June.
You were born in October.
You wonder what will happen when you die.
You are afraid of the dark.
You write in all capital letters.
You have been told you have nice handwriting.
You have had a song written for you.
You have had a picture drawn of you.
You have curly hair.
You are wearing a watch.
You are wearing flip flops.
You wouldn’t date someone who smoked.
You know someone with the same birthday as you.
You are a morning person.
You are a night owl.
You slept in past 10am today.
You have big plans for next weekend.
You are thinking of someone right now.
Your job is stressing you out.
You don’t have a job.
You have never had a job.
You were fired from your last job.
You know sign language.
You made your bed today.
You will usually try something at least once.
You have been swimming in the last month.
You are pessimistic by nature.
You have taken a ballet class.
You have taken karate.
You have taken gymnastics.
You wish on shooting stars.
You wish at 11:11.
Your birthday has already come this year.
You have been in a relationship that lasted longer than a year.
You ended your last relationship.
Your ex ended your last relationship.
You are over your ex.
You have gone after someone you knew was bad for you.
You have let someone use you.
You have been in a physically abusive relationship.
You are engaged.
You are married.
You are divorced.
You have a child.
You were/are a teenage mom.
You were named after someone.
You like your name.
Your last drink was water.
You have visited somewhere said to be ‘haunted’.
You have skipped school just because you didn’t feel like going.
You have taken medicine when you ‘feel a headache coming on’.
You are self-conscious about your body.
You have a hangover.
You have had a Jehovah’s Witness show up at your house.
You have pet fish.
You live on a farm.
You live in a trailer.
You live in Montana.
You live in South Carolina.
You live in Illinois.
You live in Maryland.
You live in New Mexico.
You have godparents.
Your parents are still married.
You have step-siblings.
You are the oldest.
You are adopted.
You have a twin.
You don’t want kids.
You want more than four kids.
You have a bad temper.
You have made out with a complete stranger.
You usually make the first move in an intimate situation.
You regret losing your virginity.
You lost your virginity to someone the same age as you.
You lost your virginity to someone you were dating.
You lost your virginity before you were sixteen.
You have worked with a Kayla.
You have gone to the movies with a Jared.
You have hugged a Lexie.
You have held hands with a Marcus.
You have dated a Rachel.
You have kissed a David.
You have ridden in a car with a Nicole.
You have had class with a Patrick.
You have gone out to eat with a Chloe.
You know a Kyle in the military.
You are related to a Julie.
You have gotten drunk with a Brent.
You have broken your arm.
You have had to get stitches on your face.
You have had an MRI.
Your fingernails are painted.
Your fingernails are painted black.
You like to read.
You like to cook.
You like to draw.
You can play an instrument.
You keep a lot of secrets from people.
You don’t think people would accept you if they really got to know you.
You don’t trust people easily.
You borrowed something you really need to give back to someone.
You drive a car older than a 2002.
You have lost a friend you never thought you would.
You know a child who died of cancer.
You know a teenager who died in a car wreck.
You have done something illegal in the past 24 hours.
You have cut your hair in the last week.
You wear glasses.
You have been pulled over for speeding.
You love to drive with the windows down.
Your favorite season is Autumn.
Your favorite color is orange.
Your favorite animal is a dolphin.
You last rode in a car with a relative.
You last rode in a car with a girl.
You last rode in a car with the person you are dating.
You regularly watch soap operas.
You love Italian food.
You love Mexican food.
You love Chinese food.
Your best friend is older than you.
You have to go to school/work tomorrow.
You answered every question truthfully.

rough draft, revision.

do you ever feel like you left a story unfinished...?

like you never gave it a chance to let the rest be written...?

like, there was still so much left to do before the epilogue...?

like you barely even go to know the main characters...?

like there wasn't a happy ending yet...?

don't let it just sit there half-written.... there just may be a sequal...

flyaway pain

cages full of troubles and worries hang from the tree;

take them down, one by one

open the doors, and set them free.

advice for myself.

so, i found this on lovely notebookdoodles's blog the other day, {she is my fave} and for some reason i knew i'd be needing it at some point. and aparently that point is now.

things are a little crazy for me right now. and it is really hard to just pick up my spirits and continue on, but.... im going to anyway. because, for some reason, even though everything seems to be falling to pieces right now, i have this amazing peace inside of me that it is all going to be okay. in some way or another. and until then, i am praying that i can build up trust, and practice patience.