eight days.

my parents and sister and brother move to florida in eight days.

i move into my dorm in seven days.

im not packed, im not ready for them to leave.

im not ready to leave this house forever.

so bummed.

the days when im the happiest end in ways i never expect. horribly. unexpectedly. unfortunately. dont understand how things work sometimes. dont understand why i feel the way i do.

"better by far to simply try and be good and courageous and bold and to make a difference, not change the world exactly, but the bit around you. cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully, and well, experience new things. love and be loved, if you ever get the chance." -david nicholls

trippin'

planning a road trip and loving life. hello summer 2011.

weekend update

welp, this weekend was great {considering i graduated and my party went well} other than the fact that i woke up friday and over the course of the day grew progressively more "about to get sick". if you know what i mean. i was pumped full of 8 juice plus pills and off to graduation i went, but afterwards, all i could do was drink water, trying to soothe my throat. then saturday morning i woke up feeling like someone knocked me in the head with a bowling ball. i felt drowsy and icky the whole day until five, when my party started. then this morning it happened all over again. but this time it didnt go away, but my voice did. yep, that's right, i cant talk..... maybe its a good thing, because sometimes i need to have times of quiet.

anyway, hopefully my voice will come back tomorrow... and hopefully this sickness//allergies will stop SOON, because i cant take this anymore.

hump day//little fuzzy

last night rocked, but i definitely have my fill of "night life" for a while. haha. rvalution was the hot spot last night for sure. basically the whole city of richmond showed up for the crazyiness. i actually just found out my roommate was there! and i didnt even know it! haha.... so since i stayed up until almost three, today is a little fuzzy around the edges for me. i keep zoning out and cant pay attention to what my mom is saying to me. haha. so, i ordered my cakes for the grad party from fresh market.. and chose the colors "light blue, red, and orange" thus, if these cakes look absolutely horrid, please forgive me : ) because i only half-way knew what i was doing.

i started catcher in the rye on monday and basically finished it yesterday while little meadow had all of her naps. i read it way faster than i thought i would, and to be honest, its not really that good. now yes, there are parts of the book where salinger has created incredible imagery and images for the reader, but even these pages are tainted by the "d" word every other line, and other unnecessary harsh language. sure, it's the style, but i cant believe that a book claimed to be such a classic could possible be so unnecessarily dirty. besides, the main character is the most pessimistic, grumpy kid i have ever read about in my whole life. i really just want to get it finished so it doesnt depress me any longer.

bonza botler day.

tomorrow is my first official nanny day.

then rvalution! woohoo!

then sleepover at taylors!

wednesday work at hollister at night

go into art during the morning.

thursday get ready for family coming in.

graduation practice.

friday. graduation.

saturday. graduation party

very exciting week coming up! and i still need to find my graduation shoes! gosh, im such a procrastinator.

rum and coca-cola

no, i dont drink that. haha, im just listening to music and that song came on. it's a cute one. i just finished curling my hair for senior day tomorrow! i just got back from the beach, and today was my first nannying day. it went pretty well, so im happy about that. cant wait for the summer! and...here's but a tiny peek at the awesomeness of my beach getaway this weekend!

i never have pictures of myself! so this was a treat for someone other than myself to pick up my camera! haha :)

wednesday planning

tomorrow we are taking a day trip to Durham N.C. for my great grandmother's funeral. i plan on bringing this book {which i got for Christmas and still have not read}.

yesterday i finally got back down to the city!{its been a while, since ive been pretty busy lately} and got sweetfrog in carytown then saw LIMITLESS. which was not a good movie. although many of the film techniques were pretty cool. before any of this, though, i went to the park. the one on the corner of belmont and idlewood. and i swang on the swing, just like i did when i was a little kid. it didnt take long for two little boys to come up to me and start asking me questions.

"do you live here?"

"what's your name?"

"hi!"

one little boy asked me if i could push him on the swing. so i did. funny thing about swings... how do you explain to someone how to do it? i tried so hard to show him how to shift your weight, but he just couldnt get it. so i just got up and pushed him myself. this ended up working out, because a little guy with a fohawk came up and started swinging in the swing i had been on. he couldnt figure out how to push himself either, so his mom had to push him too. she introduced herself and we talked for a little bit. its so crazy to me how easy it is to just be friendly and open! that little boy i pushed on the swing didnt have his mom around to push him, he was just there with the other city kids. And instead of me getting afraid, i just, sat down on a swing. it's so easy to just be, and not overanalyse or let fear stop you from doing things. its so easy to just love, and talk to people, instead of being internal and shy. :) i like that it is becoming more and more effortless to reach out to kids without feeling incapable or fearful.

this week.

...i had a lovely starbucks date with heather!

...i have potentially found a nanny job, tuesdays and thursdays! having a meeting on Saturday morning to meet the little girl and get to know her and the family. the job starts June 2nd!

...i have worked two nights at hollister and picked up dad last night from the airport after work!

....i have a grad party this weekend!

.....and Sunday is Grad sunday at weag, followed by a wonderful afternoon at a drop-dead gorgeous place in Glen Allen.

my grad dress is adorable and i am rather antsy to finally get to wear it!

blogger deleted my most recent post... what the...?

Springtime in the city.

the past few weeks have been magnificent! i have LOVED my walks in the city lately. the other night i actually walked all the way from 18th street to sweet frog in carytown. it's an hour and 35 minute walk... just in case you wanted to do it sometime. haha. makes rva seem MUCH larger, that's for sure. anyways, i carry my new not-so-fancy but not-too-bad-either camera everywhere with me. it's a point and shoot, but takes clear pics, which is all i need for moments like this when im just out and about and want to document awesome things. so, these are some awesome things ive seen lately.

i cannot wait to live in the city. i sent in my housing application yesterday! woot! i think im living in a single room in GRC 3. but we'll see. its kinda pricy, so if i have to do something else i wont mind. tomorrow is taco night at mel & andrews. so excited for it. :) because they are both incredibly awesome to me, and i love getting to hang out with them. i got my graduation announcements in the mail on tuesday, and they will be mailed tomorrow! graduation is june tenth and i cannot wait.

im planning to hang out with numerous friends over the next few weeks. i miss my girls! and i want to hang out with my new friends too! so i want to do that before my summer officially begins and everything gets crazy.

summer. is. so. close. now. almost there.

goodnight kids.

good times.

i forgot how lovely it is to sit down and just talk to a girl. on saturday i got to have my girl time with annemarie, we went to cafe gutenburg! so great! and it was great talking to her. then today i got to hang out with melody for a little bit. {not nearly long enough! its so great talking to her}. and yes... i love hanging out with girls. i forgot how nice it is.

mom's day was yesterday. maybe ill share some pictures... tomorrow!

old times.

every time i look back at old seek pics, i get so sentimental. "back in the days"... back when i was chubby, and didnt wear makeup, and didnt really know who i was or what i was doing.... but i was happy regardless.... yeah, those days. those days were good. haha. sometimes i wish i could go back... but then i remember that everything changes. and we cant let ourselves get down about it. we need to embrace change. and let memories be memories. "it was what it was when it was" as my art teacher reminded me the other day.

empty gas tank.

and, it never occurred to me that target would be closed on easter.

one day.

one day i will have a lover of my own.

a lover i can trust and believe in.

a lover i can run home to.

a lover i can throw my arms around.

a lover i can share the rest of my life with.

one day i will have a family of my own.

a family i can gather together on easter.

a family i can hide easter baskets for.

a family i can start traditions with.

a family i can love with every sliver of my little heart.

amen.

Adele Hometown Glory from 6l91n0 on Vimeo.

nothing better.

things arent getting any better for me.

i really wish i could talk to someone about everything that is going on inside of my head right now.

but the person i want to talk to seems disinterested and "platonic" today.

i miss things i had.

im bummed.

its been a long day.

my family is moving to florida. and im terrified. no, im not moving, im going to vcu. but the rest of them are moving. we're selling the house... ill be alone up here. it makes me sad.

thats whats been bothering me today.... sucky beginning to spring break, and kinda a waste ofsuch a beautiful day. but on the bright side, anastasia was able to have an incredible birthday, and that makes me smile.

platonic?

i hate that word. well, yeah, it has its place....but i dont like it right now.

struggle.

so now that i am eighteen, i can definitely feel the beginning of a power struggle between my parents and i. me, i want to do what i want when i want. but my parents dont like that idea. thing is.... why not?

"If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it’s yours, if not it never was."

awkward valentines day.

today consisted of awkward moments, working with other hollister "singles" who didnt request off for their "Boyfriend plans", a date with luke, this poem, and yeah, just.... awkward life moments.

way too short.

this weekend honestly, flew by WAY too quickly! They always do! but it was great nonetheless! haircut, movies, working on art, lots of driving, naptimes, great times :) and just finished making valentines! AND two solid pounds lighter! woot! stoked on this warm week ahead!

are we human?or are we dancers?

it has been way too long of a day. woke up at four am. and actually did a lot of productive things. unfortunately, my mind was too stressed out and worried to actually feel like i spent my day effectively. because to me it seems like all i did was sit around, worry, try to keep myself calm, occupied, and relaxed...... ahhh. i need answers.

the good things of my day:

*i got to work alot on my art journal, which i never really take the time to do until deadlines, so its nice to have gotten a head start.

*i took my dad to the airport this morning at 4, which meant my mom got to sleep, and which also meant i got to come home at six and climb back into bed, which is always fun.

*i worked on other important homework.

*i made an awesome lunch of cheesy eggs and honeybutter toast. dont make fun, its good stuff :)

*jenna is home.

*i pampered myself, and took a nice long bath and used my new french rose petal soap.

*i took a nap

*burned incense {part of my relaxing}

im excited for dinner with annemarie tomorrow.... i have so much to talk to her about, and miss her dearly. i miss a lot of people...

alright, goodnight kids.

missions.

so, i really want to get myself plugged into missions in richmond. last sunday i learned about almost twenty different missions ministries in the downtown richmond area, that take place at various times during the week. tomorrow i plan on getting in contact with one or a few of these missions, to see which one i would be able to help out the most :).

"bringing hope, healing, and health to the City of Richmond through 
prayer, mission, and worship."

minted

mint nail polish, snow, hopes of no school, hot chocolate, incense, and happiness!

{happy wednesday all!}

one. twenty. four.

i have thought more passionatey and more intently, and more emotionally within the last week than i ever have, ever. and these things that i am thinking about and processing are heavy, important things. no, i wouldnt say that i am worrying. it's moreso just processing, milling over ideas, tracing different paths my life could take. i havent really talked it out with anyone, well, i did a little with one person, but its hard for me to talk to them full out and spill all my guts, i hold back a little with them. unfortunately, even when i try not to hold back, i do.

i miss some of my friends that i havent seen in a while. my life is hectic and busy, and i am beginning to develop a negative attitude with my body. shes not cooperating and i am noticing bulking. i know, this post is all over the place, but thats a relatively accurate example of how my mind and heart are thinking right now...all over the place. welp, happy monday. :)

past cant get me anymore.

so. things and people and problems of my past keep...reappearing, if you will. and at first, i get down, and then i think.... why am i letting the past ruin my present, and then i decide not to let it, and it makes me happy. :)

chicago....ahhh.... its growing more and more tempting. i talked to melody and she said she had "nothing negative to say about it at all" and then continued to share with me tips of the city and life in the big city, and the chicken lady... :)

i like melody alot, i also like god's timing, and i like hearing just the right thing at just the right time. god is opening doors, and i need to take the risk and walk through them. no matter how much it worries me.

good sunday. good life. good everything. :)

mind blown.

just recieved first letter from college... and im accepted into School of the Art institute of Chicago. wow, heather you were right :) haha...... ahhhh!

oxymoron.

life is so great.... and then things get rough... and i dont know why. and i dont really know what to do. and im not really down about it, or worried about it... but it does make me wonder.... how come once everything starts running smoothly, things are pulled apart and overanalysed?

serendipity.

i try to forget these wretched things that have happened to me, and things people have done to me, and things that make me upset, and worry me.... but they keep coming back, to haunt me. and i hate it.

and i always remember at the worst moments, and then i get down, sucked into my own secluded, world, and then people ask me whats wrong, and i cant do anything to explain it. i cant relay to them all the thoughts going through my head. i know memories are in the past. they cant physically come into the present and hurt me..... but time cant stop a memory.

memories defy time and space. memories are on a different dimension. they seep into your brain, and although most memories are wonderful and beautiful, and meant to be remembered. the evil memories sometimes come too....and those just need to die.

the only escape.

sleep is my escape. . sleep is the only way i can turn off the needless, pointless worry.

finally.